Today I finally cleaned out a pan of moldy strawberry pretzel dessert that had been sitting on the bottom shelf of my fridge for a month. Why did I remove it? Honestly the only reason was because the smell was starting to get pretty awful.
I haven’t dusted my apartment in…..honestly I don’t remember the last time I did that.
My laundry basket has been full and overflowing for the last two weeks.
And I finally washed the cup I’ve been drinking out of since July.
Am I depressed? I mean aren’t we all, at least a little sad about something. But that’s not the entire reason for any of those things. I just really, really suck at taking care of myself. I’ve been trying to do better, and any time I’ve had company over I have always done my best to present a clean house. But at the end of the day, I’ve really just been overwhelmed and exhausted and the last thing I want to do is muster the energy to clean my house.
Boys get sad too, but nobody wants to talk about it, and a lot of men have trouble revealing that they aren’t always strong. Sometimes, there are things that really suck, and that feel terrible to go through. But sometimes it’s just easier to forget about it. To just pretend like everything is ok, and just hide our emotions in something. Whether that’s a hobby, or work. For some it's substance abuse or physical abuse, because at the time we feel trapped, and don’t know how to express or really handle what’s going on inside.
But it’s ok.
I decided a long time ago to always be honest about my feelings, and to not hide from them or try to just forget about them. Granted it is a balance, but I’ve found it to be a lot easier and freeing in a way, to be honest with people about what’s actually going on rather than just ignore it.
I don’t even really know how to describe much of how I’ve been feeling recently. There really isn’t a word that totally encapsulates the feeling “blah” but that is how I’ve been recently. Not happy, not sad, just “blah”.
Work has been going well, and I enjoy where I am at now, but the work schedule hasn’t really done much for my social life. Being off Sunday, Monday, Tuesday for a lot of people means that they are busy and unavailable. Which is fine, I don’t really expect people to be free on those days. Because honestly, I am the one with a schedule that is kind of out of the ordinary, but yeah it is just hard trying to really build relationships with people.
But then again, even if I did have free time on the weekends, I really don’t have anybody that I could hangout with. I have a few friends from college that still live in the area, but as often as we see each other, they might as well be in another state.
So I have a whole lot of downtime. Like more that I have ever had before, and it is just an adjustment. Trying to find a new balance and a rhythm just ain’t easy when I’ve been doing life a different way, since I left for college.
I am learning the art of just being still, and not being busy all the time in order to just try and distract myself. It’s tough. I’ve always had something to do, something to keep me occupied. And now I still have my hobbies, but I don’t have a social life.
So I’ve been doing a lot of reading recently, which has been nice, and offers a little bit of an escape, and feeds my imagination which I really love. I haven’t been sewing as much as I have in the past, I’ve started getting rid of some of my extra fabrics and the like, just trying to condense and downsize a little bit. So I’m managing.
But here’s the part that I’ll admit too. I am exhausted…like just wore out.
I am spending a lot of time trying to just be and focus on the good things that I do have, and enjoy the simple pleasures. Taking better care of myself, making my health a priority and exercising more. All the while ignoring the fact I don’t have community, or friends close by that I see regularly that I really trust. And I’m alone…a lot. Not being able to go to many social events because of my work schedule and now having to miss out on a lot of the performing arts that I love so dearly. Doing my best to not think about those things, to just focus on being content with what I do have, and communicating with my close friends online…there are some days I just don’t have the energy to focus on the good things.
Hence, the moldy strawberry dessert, overflowing laundry, and dusty furniture. But this is life, in my current stage. This has become my new normal. And it’s hard because this is not what I would have chosen for my life. This is not what I would consider ideal, but here I am. Doing life.
And I’m working at being okay with it. As hard as it is, my depressive episodes are becoming shorter and farther between which is a good sign. But nevertheless they are still there, and that’s ok.
Just learning to take it all one day at a time, and to be gracious with myself. And maybe eventually something will change. Perhaps I’ll find a social group, or friends that I deeply connect with, that happen to be available when I am. Or maybe the loneliness will start to not hurt as much anymore, and I’ll start to appreciate having a queen size bed all to myself. Whatever the case may be, I do know I am right where I am supposed to be for now. And that’s enough.
So here’s to being honest about the ick, to admitting that I suck at taking care of myself, and to moving forward even when it feels like I’m absolutely stuck. Because in reality, I’m not. This is just a season, and eventually I’ll figure out the best way to get through it. Thanks for reading, I’ve got a lot more free time now that is unoccupied, so if I can find the energy and the mental space, I’ll probably be writing a lot more. Anyways, talk to you later. All my love ~ Jon
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