One thing about life is that there is always something more to learn, and it seems like it just never really stops. As soon as I feel as though I’ve been able to come to terms with or grasp something, there’s always more to be revealed. But I guess the beauty in it is that we are always changing and evolving, usually for the better. Which I much prefer to always being and thinking a certain way my whole life, never really broadening my horizons or trying to expand my own knowledge. I always do my best to try and keep an open mind.
And recently, I’ve learned something about myself that previously I didn’t really even recognize was part of who I was. I was having a conversation with a mentor of mine, who pointed it out to me, and ever since I’ve just realized how much it has translated into almost every part of my life. It’s a performance based mindset.
It all goes back to my experience with a legalistic church culture, and how toxic that environment was. I was raised with the mindset, that sure God loves you, and He’s forgiven you for everything, but if you wanna keep Him happy, and if you want Him to really bless you in the best way possible, then you need to follow this list of rules. And it was heavily implied that if you didn’t comply with the standards that the church had set based on a series of personal convictions of someone who died 20 years ago, then God’s grace would not be extended to you, and you could count on the church's isolation as well.
So I grew up in fear. Fear of God, fear of others. All the while doing my best to make sure I looked the part, acted the part, was the part. But at the end of the day, that’s all it was. A shallow part I played in what I thought would be the performance that would earn my salvation. After a while though I woke up to what I was a part of, and decided to leave that church and the culture behind.
So I left. I found a new church, a new life, I discovered grace and learned more about God than I had ever known before. I grew up honestly. And it was great. Fast forward a few years later, and I find myself curled up in the fetal position, sobbing underneath what was a hot shower but had turned lukewarm because I had been there for so long. Feeling empty, lonely, and worthless. Unhappy with how my life was going, upset that I wasn’t where I wanted to be. And all because I wasn’t seeing results. I felt like I wasn’t performing to a good enough standard. Because I don’t have many friends I see on a regular basis, I’m still working a job I really don’t want to do. My tailoring and design skills aren’t creating any extra income for me. I’m not heavily involved in any kind of volunteer or ministry position that would perhaps improve somebody else’s life for the simple price of my time. My life felt valueless, like if I died alone in my apartment no one would notice for several days, and my funeral would just be a story about a guy who fixed planes and had a few friends.
But then it hit me….and it all came back to the mindset that was drilled into me for so many years. “You are worthless, unless you do ABC, and have XYZ to show for it.” Sure I had moved on in my spiritual mentality, in that I know I no longer have to do something to earn God’s love. But I hadn’t moved on in the rest of my thinking.
And honestly, I think that’s why I’ve just always kept busy, always having several little projects going on all at the same time. Because I’ve been taught that if I do nothing, then I am nothing. That my time is valuable and I need to make it count for something. And although I do believe it is important to be a good steward of my time, and to be constructive with it, I don’t believe that means my life is worthless if I don’t have much to show for it.
I catch myself all the time now, reaching for something to do, or volunteering myself for things I know I don’t have time for, just for the sake of trying to make my time valuable. But the thing is, my time is valuable no matter what I’m doing. My worth isn’t based on how much money I have, or the amount of time I’ve given to others. It isn’t based on how many places I’ve traveled too, or how many relationships I’ve built. It isn’t based on how many mistakes I haven’t made, or how careful I’ve lived my life. My value isn’t performance based. My identity is not how good or bad I am at something. My worth is just in being a Child of God, and claiming that as my identity. It’s that simple. And my life is valuable because of that.
I have to continually remind myself of that. Especially in the phase of life I’m in now. With everyone on social media sharing the highlights of their lives, and a lot of people my age building families and successful careers, meanwhile I’m dressed in a junkie hoodie, drinking tea and eating doritos, googling “how to make friends as an adult” because I’m out of ideas, and outside of work have very few social connections. I’ve tried to do better at just resting for the sake of resting. Taking time to not be productive and just be. Which has been a really hard lesson for me to learn. Because in my mind, if I’m not being productive or useful of my time in a tangible way, then it is useless time spent, and therefore I am useless. Which isn’t true at all. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is just taking a minute to relax and recuperate a little bit. Giving rest to our bodies and minds.
My point is, I'm learning. More and more every day. It takes a lot of work to retrain your brain, after you’ve been taught to think a certain way your whole life. I know it’s different for everybody, and some of my readers may not connect with what I mean about having my identity in Christ, but that’s the truth for me, and I’m doing my best to pursue it as diligently as I can.
Life is tough, and it’s easy to get caught up in a performance based mentality no matter how you were raised. But bear in mind, you are enough. You are valuable just the way you are. And you are loved deeply, more than you could ever realize.
Anyways, here's to getting better, and to figuring it out. To pushing through learned mentalities and the trauma that comes with them. To taking time to rest, and knowing that it’s good for me, not lazy or worthless. And to knowing that it’s not about being the best. Thanks for reading through my mental deconstruction haha, chat soon! All my love ~ Jon
Comments