If you know me well enough, then you know that I go through bouts of depression every once in a while. And if it’s not depression, I often get very melancholy. I think that’s the best way to describe myself, but then again most hopeless romantics tend to be at least a little melancholy.
Anyways, I’ve been this way for a long long time, and back when I was a kid I didn’t really talk about it, I didn’t know how to talk about it. I just kind of lived through it. Eventually, through some self-diagnosis and playing the role of therapist for myself I had to figure out a way to fight it.
There was a point in my life that I was so low, and really felt so worthless that I thought killing myself was the only way out. I felt like I was a burden to people, and that their lives would be easier if I wasn’t around. I felt unwanted, and tossed aside. It was awful. And I’ll admit I still have days that I feel sort of stuck and like my life doesn’t amount to much. But I know that isn’t true anymore, and I’ve trained myself to redirect my thoughts or even pray through those mindsets.
My relationship with God has definitely carried me through a lot. And I can honestly say that without that, I wouldn’t be here. That’s one thing I know for sure. But there’s another side to that coin.
Sure once I kind of got a grasp of God’s love for me, and finally understood it for myself, and just how much others around me really did love me, I decided that was reason enough to not take my own life. But what a lot of that was, is a mindset. A consciousness that you have about your reality, and the people and relationships that you have, whether spiritual or relational. Which is all fine and dandy, but honestly I am the type of person that likes to have something physical that I can see, touch, feel, and hear. Sure I will always have God’s promises, the ones that He has given us in His Word, but on the days I’m so mentally exhausted and discouraged, when I feel like I can’t take much more emotionally or I’ll just shut down. On those days it is really, really hard to just claim a promise.
But, that’s where the next part comes in. You see a long time ago, I decided that I wanted magic to be a priority in my life. Now when I say magic, I don’t mean card tricks and silly cliché Hallmark movies. Magic to me is recognizing the beauty in something either ordinary or not. Whether that’s the sound of a baby’s laugh, and how its contagiousness causes everyone within earshot to smile. Or the scent of fresh baked cookies makes you feel warm inside too. The smile of a stranger offering to hold the door for you. Twinkling Christmas lights framing a window. Fresh flowers in a vase on the kitchen table just because. The sound of someone playing the piano in an airport. The sun reflecting of the rippling water in a lake. Or sometimes a handwritten note from a friend. All of those things to me are magical in their own way. And when I decided I wanted make magic a priority, I decided I would be more intentional about recognizing and cultivating those kinds of things in my own life.
Because honestly life is too short and too precious to be spent being angry or upset about something all the time. Especially when there is so much around us to be valued and appreciated. And that is what has kept me going a lot of the time. Nothing cheers me up quite as much as going to the farmers market and buying flowers for myself just because. Getting dressed up in a cute outfit just to go buy myself a good cup of coffee, and spend the afternoon reading in the park near a beautiful overlook or fountain. Taking time out of my day to write a letter to a friend, or put together a care package for someone I know will appreciate it. Or being awake at 4am listening to crickets chirp and the breeze in the trees. It’s in those quiet early morning moments when the rest of the world is sleeping, and the noise of everyday life has stopped. The moon seems to shine just for me, and my heart swells with a kind of happiness and contentment that can’t fully be realized until you’ve experienced it for yourself.
And so that’s life. It’s hard, and it’s confusing. Lots of days I’m sad for no reason, and other times I’m depressed because of my circumstances. And just when you think you’ve got it figured out, you realize you don’t and neither does anyone else. But for me that’s where Faith comes in. On my very worst day, I know that I always have Jesus. And on my very best day I still have Jesus. And on the days that it’s hard to pray and nothing makes sense and I can’t tell which way is up or down, that’s where Trust comes in. Believing that even in the doubt and confusion. In the dark days, and long nights, trusting that God has a plan in all of it, and knowing that He will carry me through. And the rest of the time, all I need is a little bit of pixie dust sprinkled throughout my day. It never looks the same, but honestly it’s become one of my favorite things, sort of spreading glitter wherever I go, doing my best everyday to make someone else smile, and in turn it makes my own heart smile.
So, if you’re feeling down in the depths of despair, or just feeling kind of "blah", try a couple things for me. 1. Say a prayer, just telling God how you’re really doing, and maybe tell Him what you want. And then 2. Go buy yourself some flowers. You deserve them. And it may not fix everything, it may not cure whatever ails you, but I’m sure it couldn’t hurt to try it. And maybe you’ll come to find that some days all you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust. Sending big hugs and a box of donuts your way. All my love ~ Jon
Comments