Alright here goes, let’s talk about dating shall we. Ok, so for the record I always feel a little strange when writing about dating and my love life, mostly just because I’m afraid someone may read it and get the wrong idea. But I will say I am not dating just so I have something to talk about, and I still want to be aware that there are two sides to every story and I don’t want to hurt the other person who was involved. But I also believe in creating a space for other young adults my age who are stumbling through the world of dating trying to figure it out, and worried that they talk about it too much, or ask too many questions. And although I’m not an expert I still feel like my experience can be related to, and if anything, may make someone else feel seen.
So recently, I was in my first real relationship. And yeah sure, I’ve dated in the past but I was never exclusive or like “official” with anyone until just recently. We met and bonded very quickly, and it was truly, truly wonderful. All the things I had dreamed about as a hopeless romantic, all of the feelings I had read about, for once I was finally feeling them, and I can honestly say that was the happiest I have ever been.
But it ended…
It was on good terms, there were no harsh words, or bitter feelings; it was simply a matter of our lives going in opposite directions and having different priorities at different times. So we split up, and decided to just remain friends. And let me say that it’s almost been harder trying to come back from the fact that it was just the wrong time, then if something had gone wrong. Like sure, nobody wants a relationship to end badly. But at least it is kind of a defining moment, when you know that yeah, this just isn’t gonna work out. That person is toxic, isn’t mature enough, or isn’t who I thought they were. But to end something that felt right in every way except where it would end up...let me tell ya, it’s been rough.
And the only way to get over a breakup, is to just go through it. And it takes time. There are stages of grief, it comes and goes. And just when you think you’ve gotten over it, you hear a song that was special to just the two of you, you drive past that restaurant you tried first with them, or you find a piece of clothing they had left behind. And suddenly you have to grieve through it all over again. But each time it becomes a little easier, and you move through it quicker than you did the time before. One thing is for sure, I’ve learned a lot about myself through all of this.
If I had to do it all over again, I still would. I wouldn’t trade the memories or special moments for anything. And I learned what kind of love I needed, it was different than I thought it would be, and I don’t think I would have discovered that, if it hadn’t been for the relationship. At least not for a very long time.
But I’ll tell you what the hardest part has been for me and my side of the story is that, since the beginning of the year I had to totally overhaul myself. I had to learn how to live by myself, and live alone, and be ok with not having anyone to talk to, or confide in. I had to learn how to get along with, and love myself, and be willing to do things just for me, and not for anyone else. It was hard, and I still have things I’m learning about, but for the most part I figured it out, and I learned how to be content in my single state. It usually meant just staying busy, and doing things that I enjoyed and taking advantage of not having any responsibilities besides rent and a car payment. So I did, I played piano a lot, I sewed, I went snorkeling, I traveled, I found a church, I got involved in my community, and everything was fine. As long as I could have an honest phone call with a friend every once in a while to help me process out loud, I was doing great. It was when I chose to sit and sulk for long periods of time that I would begin to become depressed and upset that I was alone and didn’t have anybody.
Que the relationship.
It honestly came out of nowhere and was totally unexpected, but I wasn’t complaining. And for the first time in my life I was able to breathe. Up until then I felt like I had always been running from my feelings, running from the depression and loneliness. Burying myself in work and over committing to things so I wouldn’t have time to get upset about being alone. And once things became official and we started pursuing a relationship I didn’t have to run anymore. I was finally able to stop and relax. There was stability in the relationship, and in the love that existed there, and I was the happiest I have ever been.
Fast forward to today, and being back on my own. It’s been quite an adjustment going from feeling safe and cared for, to alone and unstable. Right now in my life I don’t have a lot of steady ground. Sure I still have my faith, but even that has felt weak recently. My life is just a whole lot of unanswered questions and unknowns. I can’t make any long term plans because I don’t know what is going to change between now and next week, and I don’t really have much to depend on. With not many friends and a lack of community, I’m looking for my people. I’ve tried to take a more healthy approach to running from my feelings. I have processed and grieved through the breakup, and for the most part I’m still content with being on my own. But I am still doing things to keep me distracted and help me to stay busy, because I am afraid of sitting still for too long, and becoming miserably depressed.
So yeah, I don’t know if anyone else knows or understands what I am feeling right now, but honestly, I am just worn out. My heart and mind are tired of running and trying to distract myself. I’ve gotten to a place where I don’t really know who I am anymore, because I don’t feel like I have much to depend on or build a life on. I don’t really have anything stable to fall back on these days, and I am ready for some sure footing. I am ready to have a plan and feel like I can at least partially see something through the maze of the unknown, and a seed of hope will be planted. I am tired. My heart is raw, and my soul is weary. But maybe this is the part of growing up that nobody talks about, because there is nothing you can really do to prepare yourself for it. You just have to learn to live through it, and find stability in something along the way, and it seems to be in a different place for everyone.
Anyway, that's where I'm at right now sorting through emotions, trying to find my footing and do life by myself. And knowing that it's all gonna be ok. I still have plenty of things that bring me joy in my life, and people that have come alongside me to let me know they are here for me. And most days I do alright, but I'm still just searching for something to feel like home these days, and I don't know how long it'll be until I find it. Maybe I'm the only one who's going through this, but if not then this is for the both of us. Darling, this too shall pass, and somehow, someday we are going to find normalcy again. Thanks for reading. All my love ~ Jon
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